I haven't been on to post on my blog in awhile because...wellll...I just don't know what to write. I've kind of lost the identity to this blog and haven't known where to go with it.
In fact I wouldn't be writing this post if my curiosity hadn't gotten the better of me. I checked and my blog has over a thousand views. I didn't even know people were looking at my blog. Maybe if I knew that I would write more.
No but seriously.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what my dreams are. I seem to have so many and none of them really went anywhere.
Do you remember all of those elementary school, first day assignments, of "getting-to-know you"? Sometimes it was having cold paint squished onto my hand and then pressed hard onto the paper to show my hand print, or just my fingers as a lesson on how we are each unique, or the last one I remember was a news paper where I had to fill out my hobbies, what I wanted to be when I grew up, who was my hero, what my favorite color was and so on. It was a personal spotlight on my life, dreams, and future.
Most of the time I had a hard time with these projects to reflect myself and personality. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was only 5! I didn't know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, I was just trying to pass my math class. I didn't know what career I wanted, everything I loved wouldn't make any income.
"It's okay." THEY said. "The more classes you are in a college will help determine what you want to do."
I remember for those projects I sometimes just wrote what I understood, what I knew about, because that's all I had. I was never that child that knew all about animals and always wanted to be a veterinarian. Or I loved space, stars, and planets and always wanted to be an astronaut. The only thing I knew about was how to be a mom, a loving wife, and a chiropractor like my dad. The very first thing I ever wrote (that I remember)-for one of those projects-for what I wanted to be when I grew up was a chiropractor. Mom's didn't make any money. Wives didn't make any money without a career. That left the only other thing I knew that DID make money and that was to be a chiropractor.
Did that last long?
No. I grew up and I learned that it was important to love what you do to have a career. A job is what you do because you need to.
The next two things I wanted to be was tied: an actress and a writer. Now I was starting to follow what I loved to a career path. In all that I had I knew I could be that one next best seller or a fantastic actress. I would practice in my room with dress up clothing and sometimes my siblings. I remember one time I got so into my fantasy world that I swore.....
...I stopped pretending for the rest of the day I felt so guilty.
My love for writing was slightly stronger than acting and began with a nightmare at the age of 9 and my dad took me aside and told me that I should write it down, that that is where some writers get there inspiration. I was captivated and excited! At the time I was also in love with Harry Potter so I asked my dad if I could become as famous as J.K. Rowling herself with my dreams. He said something that I don't remember exactly but it put fuel on a fire I didn't even knew I had. I hated writing. I typing began painfully slow but I was determined to make it work.
The third thing that I wanted to be when I grew up was a columnist or news reporter for a paper or a psychologist. This was when I became a teenager and ended up problem solving with friends and family members and being in love with the way I felt after helping someone who needed advice. That ended in my first semester of college when I was 16 and a half and taking psychology 101. After that I decided I would just be a good friend to others and a listening ear when needed.
The columnist or news reporter came from a more realistic point of view of trying to make REAL money off of something that I loved to do: writing. The same semester I took psychology 101 I also decided that was not my writing style nor what I truly enjoyed doing.
The more I continued to try and make my hobbies work for me the more I lost interest in them.
I couldn't be a chef, they don't make anything and it's pretty competitive.
I couldn't be a teacher, I don't describe things well to others.
I couldn't be an artist...they make even less than a chef and I would have to be far greater than I am.
I couldn't work for Disney as a a Disneyland princess...I wasn't tall or pretty or courageous enough to even audition.
It became more of the things I couldn't do and I became disheartened that I would go anywhere or be able to have a career. It was looking like it would be just "jobs" for me.
I still had my two other dreams along with me for this bumpy ride but was too young to really think to hard on them. I still wanted to be a loving wife and a mom. The more I grew up the more it didn't matter if I made money as either one of those, they were eternally rewarding and I knew that was what I was supposed to do.
When I was 19 I met the love of my life and married him 6 months later. I still felt that nag that I needed to do something MORE with my life. A career.
"You need a career...just in case..." THEY said. "You need to continue to educate yourself" they said.
It was when I got a job at a preschool for exceptional children in the special education program at a elementary school. I loved the teacher, I loved the kids, I loved being in a school, and or the first time I could imagine myself as a teacher. That ended when I took two beginning courses for teachers when I was 21 and a half. I decided that as much as I loved kids I didn't love the school system or the time away from what mattered the most to me more than any other hobby, career, or job: my family. I wanted more than anything to have a baby and grow a little family.
...It wasn't happening. I began to accept that it wasn't the right time and that God might have other work for me to do. My husband and I decided that was to take place in Massachusetts. That ended too when we found out I was PREGNANT a couple of weeks after I turned 22!
This is me at 14 1/2 weeks pregnant! I am now at 20 1/2 weeks pregnant but haven't been able to get my husband to take another picture...yet.
(No we don't know what we are having yet. SOON!)
It's taken me about 5 months to get to positive thoughts like: I can do this, I'll be a good mom, the baby will be healthy and strong and wonderful.
We're really excited.
So, after all of that dreaming and racing after things that I wanted, after struggling with what I COULD do because everything I love to do wouldn't make money, after sacrificing things I wanted to do for things that I had to do, I got the two most precious dreams of all that I NEEDED.
Sure I would like to travel more, sure I would like to be a Disneyland princess, sure I would love to be an actress in at least one movie but I know that my worth and impact on the world don't rely on those things. Does it mean I give up on painting, drawing, writing, cooking just because there is no one but my family to enjoy it? Because there is no income to aid it? No. It means that I understand that I am much more than those things and that if it is the right time and place I can accomplish those dreams too, as well as help my family to be great and experience the dreams they have.
It is hard to sustain dreams but with that hard work we can accomplish anything.
What dreams have you been able to accomplish? What have you learned from the ones that haven't? Is there anything on the back burners that you miss and want to get back/more into?
Send me some comments!