In fact saying "a lot" is a bit of an understatement since there isn't a day that goes by that we are not being super silly.
Sometimes we pretend we're Russians and if my husband isn't too shy or put on the spot when asked to give some examples of accents that he does- you'd know he is really REALLY good at them.
Sometimes we pretend we're part of the mafia. We look around suspiciously and then lean into each other and ask if the other "gots da money" or "gots da stuff".
Sometimes we pretend that we don't like affection. We over-exaggerate by becoming stiff and making silly faces as though we were completely revolted by the amounts of kisses! When "Da Man" first started this I will honestly tell you I was a little offended. however this is not a surprise since I find myself unfortunately easily offended. And then I found myself doing it back to him and found out that it was extremely fun. Why? Because the other person adds MORE kisses and saying like "oh come on! How do you know you don't like it if you won't try it."
I think I have way too much fun with this. :)
Sometimes we even pretend we're two people that have never met before (this actually happens all the time!) Sometimes my hubby is my doctor, sometimes he's the paramedic that is giving me CPR when I've "passed out". wink wink. hahahaha. Sometimes my hubby is my private massage therapist. Or sometimes it's the other way around completely.
If all this role playing was real life I'd have some serious health issues.
Most often with role playing it makes intimate life more interesting but still clean and pure the way God intended it.
I've realized that role playing has helped the hubby and I in so many ways. It helps us to have fun.
But even with role playing, the laugh's and the fun there are times where I just don't feel myself somehow.
I'll say mean things and then think that I already did this that and the other thing, I guess I can't be a good wife anymore" just because I had said those few mean, awful and hurtful things.
I couldn't stop, either.
Whenever I would try to be a little nicer my hubby would just do something that would irritate me. OR at least those WERE my thoughts.
And then I would say mean things again.
I would let all the dishes pile up because I just didn't feel like doing them.
My hubby after working all day with me -as we clean a large house for a part time work- having to listen to me complain the WHOLE time. I even snapped at him because I wanted to finish moping the dang floor! He only needed to walk on the floor for not even a minute to grab a few things and then I could mop that part.
But I didn't let him...
And why not?
It seems so simple and harmless and yet I wanted to rip into him for disrupting the thing I was hating to do at the moment.
Then we go home and he does the large pile of dishes.
I kept slipping. Just letting him do things and then getting mad at him for doing them. I wasn't sure how to stop in my tracks and start over and be a wife he could love.
I then read.
A lot of things coming from Pintrest. All of the things you should do for and with your hubby so that you can be a more lovable wife. There were lists of advice to do, but I wouldn't remember any of that! Either that or I would try too hard to remember and to do it right that my heart wouldn't be in it.
Then I read two very important things that I believe changed my perspective practically overnight.
1. Drops of Awesome- by "Daring Young Mom" Katherine Thomson
I found it on Facebook. One of Da Man's aunts had shared it and I read the whole thing and even cried (an activity I've been doing a lot lately).
It's humorous as it talks about deep and serious thoughts that I've had. I read the whole thing thinking "wow. I really needed this right now". She talks about how instead of focusing on all the things we didn't do in the past like letting the dishes sit in the sink until your husband does it and letting it ruin our now by continuing to wallow in self pity and play computer games instead of the nasty said dishes- we should force those thoughts out and just try to do something good to add a drop to our buckets of "awesomeness".
I've already caught myself saying "drop of awesome!" to myself whenever I do something good.
She even did an object lesson with a Church class that she writes about and just hit me over the head with a "duh" moment.
2. Dax's Journal.
My hubby wasn't ENTIRELY refusing to let me read his journal. It started last Sunday during church that I read one of his entry's. After Church I asked him if I could read more and I finished the "up to now" in 2 days. At first I would read some silly things he said about the girl he was infatuated with at the time and we would laugh (mostly me) and I would read his words in a mocking tone. He had told me the whole story between him and this girl so nothing was really a surprise when I read it.
I got to a point where it began to mean something to me.
Something sweet and special.
These were honest and true feelings coming from the heart of the one I love.
He had had a long day and was sleeping next to me as I finished his heartfelt words.
When he wrote that she had hurt him badly and he was miserable- so was I.
When he wrote that he was nervous to pin her corsage on her- for prom- because he didn't want to touch her inappropriately; I fell in love with him all over again. He must have thought I was teasing him since he rolled his eyes and did his half shoulder shrug I'm all to familiar with. I told him I was serious. This was his journal and if he wrote something like that, it shows his true character.
I'm not saying I ever doubted his character, just that reading his words from before he even knew I'd be reading them made it even clearer to me that I married a wonderful man who respects women.
He could have written something like "I was so nervous because of how close I had to pin her. Even though I secretly would want to I would never do something like that".
BUT HE DIDN'T.
That's just the person he's always been.
What kind of person did my journals say about me?
After this girl broke his heart, in a way, I read as he grew up into the man I married. The man who has a strong enough testimony in his savior Jesus Christ and what our brother has sacrificed for us, to say in the midst of the worst pain he would ever feel: "You know what? I know I'll be okay. I'll be okay because I know that Christ went through this same exact pain that I am feeling right now. He went through it just for me."
That right there is a moment I will remember forever. Through his pain, tears, and clenching teeth he was able to udder these words of amazing testimony.
Who does that?
I doubt I would have. I probably would've just cried and thought "ow ow ow ow ow! I wish it would go away".
He taught me a very special part of the atonement. Not only did "God so love the world that he gave his only begotten son"-John 3:16 But the son so loved the world that "11... he shall go forth, suffering pains and aafflictions andbtemptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will ctake upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.And he will take upon him adeath, that he may bloose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to csuccorhis people according to their infirmities." -Alma 7:11-12 (taken from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Website but can also be found in the Book of Mormon).
He, Dax, has always been and will forever be an example to me. He has such amazing faith and I enjoy having an eternity to learn from him.
After I read his journal a thought occurred to me. "He's a real man with real and true feelings. He may not show them or speak of them very often but they're, there." Have I given him anything that would cause him to write in his journal about how much I've hurt him? I don't want to even give him that opportunity!
I'm not perfect, but I am trying to get better.
Dax is the best husband I could ever asked for and I am so grateful to have the title of his wife.